I am now 49 years old. I tell people that I was killed in a car accident in 1995, July 28th at 4PM. On my way to a meeting, a woman (with seven wrecks to her credit) rammed my car as I was going through a green light in an intersection. She ran a red light while getting something off the floorboard of the passenger side.

I was upset about the wreck, the car and her attitude. I called the police five times, but they were all “busy” at other wrecks and it would be at least an hour. I took a cab to my meeting, and ten minutes in, I felt as if I was on fire—and I left and went to the ER.

I waited for three hours and then went home; living in a big city makes you OK with waiting. I spent the weekend on a heating pad and then called a doctor on Monday morning. I had x-rays, was given painkillers, muscle-relaxants and anti-inflamatories—was told to take it easy for a few days.

I got a call saying my X-rays looked funny and they felt an MRI was the next step. So I did go get one. Well, I had bone pressing against my spinal cord that was causing pain and numbness so extreme, I was crying. It was suggested I try traction, acupuncture, acupressure, reflexology, massage, and surgery. During both surgeries, the morphine pump needle came out. When I woke up, I told the nurses I was in terrible pain and they all said, “You can’t be in pain!” I just cried.

Months after both surgeries, the pain got worse. So they tried steroid injections, and I gained twenty pounds per shot and had one every three weeks for two years. Had to starve not to become the fattest person on earth. I got up to three hundred pounds and had no clothes to wear, and begged the doctor not to give me any more shots. He’s mad at me now.

My prescriptions cost $1,700.00 a month until I lost everything and could no longer buy them. I am now on the cheapest pain medicine and take as little as I can get away with. Methadone is pretty good and for the breakthrough pain I take an opioid—and now have decided to give in.

I am going to move to a small house in the poorest part of the country and go on disability, welfare and food stamps. I have done this as long as I can with a good attitude, but the pain is getting more intense with each day. I would love to have my life back, going out dancing, horseback riding, hiking, camping, laughing and enjoying life.

I can’t lay down flat on my back, can’t sleep in any position but on my left side with pillows stacked all around. I need some guidance from someone. I just can’t take it anymore. I was sent to a clinic for mental tests to see if I was faking it, and they said on a pain scale from one to ten, ten being the most horrible, terminal cancer pain, my levels spiked at 70 and was lowest at 23. After the results were sent to my doctor, he handed me a prescription pad and said, “You can have whatever you want.” I just want to get some relief from this hell.

If anyone has suggestions, please send them to me. Thank you in advance for reading this. I hope your pain can be healed. I will pray for you all. Help me, I am begging. I am moving to southwest Arkansas as soon as I can sell all of my stuff (again) and find a place that is very cheap.